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Believe that Scientology really can beat Anonymous. You just need to follow a few simple rules. I offer them for free in the name of Fair Play. Here’s what you must do to win this war:
1. Own up to some shit. The public will respect this. You say about everyone who leaves Scientology that they are criminals. A logical deduction from this would be that everyone who joins Scientology must be a criminal, and that it is currently crammed full of them. If not, there would be a waver in your statistics on the people who leave. You like to say ‘everyone has crimes’ so to prove the case, you can own up to some of your own. Talk more about your infiltration of the earth dakota vegan womens sand microfiber for which eleven of your members were jailed. Say things like: ‘damn, that was some seriously good criminal activity, no other church can touch this shit. Hell, not even terrorists have gone that far into government before!’ You could also mention Lisa Mcpherson, whose death saw two of you indicted. I mean, had I spent around one hundred thousand dollars on mental and physical healthcare, I would not expect the organisation who received this money to take me away from a hospital, tie me to a bed and bring me back seventeen days later starved, dehydrated and dead. You should just come out and say: ‘We sukka’d that bitch good, and we got away with it!’
2. Laugh more. A smile costs nothing. Maybe that’s why you refuse to do it. The only Scientologists who laugh on film are either baiting or they are Tom Cruise. Now, even though Tom Cat is an A-list actor, his Scientology laugh is still unconvincing. You need to laugh more. Practice it.
3. Spread some love.
4. Do something about David Miscarriage. He is too small, too gun-obsessed, and too much like Hitler to be doing you any good. Maybe mix this with item number two: try out some friendly banter. David’s initials lend themselves well to this: D M. Danger Mouse? I’m sure he’ll understand if you start calling him this. And the public will see what a jolly bunch you really are. They will know that if you were still in touch with your families you would be the sorts to play a hilarious game of charades at Christmas.
5. Engage in public debate.
6. Tell more jokes.
7. Invite thousands of Anonymous onto the Freewinds for a big party.
8. Make at least one set of sympathetic noises for Scientologists and critics who die.
9. Explain your war on Psychiatry, and why it is that you believe Psychiatrists caused the Holocaust.
10. Send an E-meter to Which Reports for consumer testing, and explain the workings of it.
11. Try to explain some of Derren Brown’s tricks, that way the public will recognise that you are: ‘the authority on the forum aura 146cm snowboard Failing that, just explain what brainwashing is, and how you achieve it so often. Explain the psychological phenomena of ‘complicity’ (that is, people conforming to group delusion when there is no alternative available). Explain how you guard against going collectively insane in an organisation that has no contact with the outside world, and only the ravings of a madman to seek answers from.
12. Try not to talk about taking over the world so much. Many people dislike this.
13. Conduct a sermon once in a while. This might help give the impression to the public that you really are a church.
14. Stop hiding behind front groups. The public cannot accept that you are proud and knowledgeable if you find it necessary to hide behind other names to get your foot in the door of a new area. Be proud!
15. Explain why the Rehabilitation Project Force looks, and operates, like a Prisoner of War camp.
16. instead of calling your parents suppressive people, tell them, in your angriest voice, that you didn’t ask to be born, and that you really didn’t ask to be covered in body thetans, so thank you very much for inviting me to this big mess that needs to be cleared up. This will shut them up for a while and make them adopt the attitude that you are free to make your own mistakes. An easy way to get what you want.
17. Enforced abortions make you look like baby killers. See if you can come around to the ‘pro-choice’ side of the debate.
18. Having owned up to some shit, laughed about it, and explained yourselves, try some apologies.
You should listen to me, because I am a highly decorated war hero who divides his leisure time between dodging trains on Venus (tricky, but I’m improving), and face-fucking psychiatrists. For hours at a time. But of all the valuable rules I give to you, the last is the most important. Whatever you do, you absolutely, positively, must not, ever, ever, ever… goof the floof.
I’m serious.
Send me a legion of Scientologists, and I will show you lots of people taking it up the ass. CoS is good at forgetting.
CoS is not very good at forgiving.
Expect lulz.
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